I approve this message
now that I think I finally turned off that %@#&^! change tracking!
WHEN VOTING IN 2004, PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE
EDUCATION: I attended Yale and joined the same Skull and Crossbones society as George Bush. I
wasn't smart enough to get into Yale or Harvard Law so I went to Boston College Law School. But I'm way smarter than George Bush
who only got a Harvard MBA - that's why it takes me hours to answer simple yes and no questions.
MILITARY:
After my request for a student deferment to study abroad in France was rejected, I joined the Navy since I thought that would be the
safest most exciting service. In my first tour, I served on a ship
safely far bravely off the coast of Vietnam. Looking over the situation, I determined that by joining the Swift Boats for my next tour I could
still be
safe a war hero by mostly patrolling off the coast while still being able to make good movie footage to play at the
Viet Cong Sympathizers Reunion Democratic National Convention when I ran for President. When just as I arrived, Admiral
"Baby Killer" Zumwalt changed the Swift Boat mission to include canal patrols, I began searching for
anti-war military doctors to help me game the system journalists to approach in Saigon and explain to them what a quagmire Vietnam was. It was an impossible mission and my
aluminum well-armored Swift Boat was under constant enemy fire -- luckily none of my
pinpricks wounds
even required hospitalization stopped me from rushing back to defend my
war criminals fellow soldiers. I was also
not in Cambodia at Christmas 1968 when Richard Nixon was
not President and was lying about my not being there. This was "seared, seared" in my memory and I showed the Boston Globe I still carry my lucky CIA hat in a secret compartment in my briefcase
to prove that I'm nuttier than a pecan plantation. My superior bravery was
hardly indisputably proven
by hugely exaggerating my actions in after action reports
I wrote about myself. So I
easily won three Purple Hearts in four months and
abandoned departed from my crewmates
to go back to the States and finish my service at a desk job as a hero. Luckily,
since I was already bragging about being the President some day, I was able to remember to get most of my crew-mates
reassigned to safer duty so they'd be are on my side in this campaign. The fact that
nearly all my peers and superiors as well as the one crewman who had too much integrity to accept my bribes and coercion a tiny minority of my
war criminals fellow soldiers dispute any details of my heroism just shows that the military
is completely filled with war criminals and baby killers needs reform.
ANTI-WAR PROTESTER: I am unapologetic about calling the military
except the crewmen on my Swift Boat (not including Gardner of course) war criminals.
Jane Fonda has apologized but I will not apologize. To this day the
Viet Cong people of Vietnam are grateful for my actions
helping to install a brutal Communist dictatorship leading to widespread imprisonments in "re-education camps", forcing a million "boat people" to flee for their lives and leaving the way clear for Pol Pot to murder 20% of the Cambodian population. Viet Cong General Giap considered the actions of the anti-war protestors crucial to their victory since they lost nearly every battle they ever engaged in with the U.S. military. And Vietnamese Americans support me to this day for my brave actions
- that's why 90% of them will vote against me this November. And somehow I forgot to mention my 1968 "Christmas in Cambodia" during my 1971 testimony to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee even though if provable it would have blown the roof right off the room.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I was an assistant DA and Leutenant Governor
under Michael Dukakis where I fought against even having civil defense plans. Due to the mentorship of
drunken socialist woman slaughterer conservative
- compared to me anyway -- Senator Ted Kennedy, I was elected to the Senate from
the people's republic of Massachusetts.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS SENATOR: I authored and passed the bill for the relief of Kil Joon Yu Callahan and four other bills that
nobody has ever heard of before I am extremely proud of. The arguments that National Journal's ratings of my Senate votes make me the most liberal member of the Senate are completely bogus
- that's proven by the near perfect symmetry of agreement of my Americans for Democratic Action rating of 92 and the Conservative Union's rating of 5 - I am the only true conservative in this election! And charges that I am weak on defense are complete lies -
that's why I relentlessly attacked Ronald Reagan in every way including advocating a nuclear freeze and cutting virtually every weapons system, lied about "Christmas in Cambodia" to attack him, voted against U.S. participation in Gulf War I (which passed any "global test" imaginable since it was even supported by the U.N. including France, Germany and large numbers of Arab countries including Syria for heaven's sakes), voted to decrease intelligence funding after the first World Trade Center bombing and I was for invading Iraq
as long as Bill Clinton was President and that is my completely consistent position
other than calling it the "wrong war, at the wrong time in the wrong place".
I believe my accomplishments over the course of my lifetime
of marrying money make me uniquely
unfit qualified for command. My character is impeccable and Ghandi-like
as demonstrated by constantly calling President Bush a liar and branding the military as war criminals.
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