RTWT.Iowahawk Guest Commentary
by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
Senior VP, Al-Qaeda In IraqWhat's crackalackin', y'all? I know it's been long-time-no-post, but I gotta tell you it's a little hard to keep up with the blogging when you're getting a daily enema from infidel Tomahawks. I knew that war is supposed to be hell, but dude -- this one is starting to totally fucking suck. Bigtime.
Case in point: after taking in the nards in Tel Afar last week, let's just say the martyr recruiting has gone a little slow. And speaking of 'a little slow,' can we talk about this latest busload of asswipes from Damascus? Jeez, I thought the Saudis were stupid, but these Syrians take the fucking baclava. Send one of these choads on a simple martydom operation against a Bagdhad collaborator elementary school, and they're like, "Durrrr, a thousand pardons effendi, I got lost! Doyyyy, can I have a martyrdom car with OnStar?" Then you end up having to print out MapQuest directions for them, which totally chews up printer cartridges, and they end up smeared along some desert freeway because they mistook the detonator button for cruise control.
Just between us, it was almost a relief when Team Satan and their Iraqi puppets greased a couple hundred of my lovable losers last week. 'Thinning the herd,' if you know what I mean, and I suppose it probably raised our average insurgent IQ ten points. To 67, maybe. Still, word-of-mouth about this kind of missile strike crap gets around, and it has really screwed our recruiting. Even with the dipshit teenage mosque-rats in Damascus and Riyadh. It's gotten so bad, in fact, that we had to open up a recruiting office in France. I shit you not: reduced to recruiting Le. fucking. Fron-say.
Go ahead and laugh, sunshine. Yeah, it's humiliating, but these French dudes are actually kinda gung-ho. Until they get here and crap their pantalons after they realize that Le Monde might have exaggerated our success just a tad.
So anyway, I'm dealing with this garbage yesterday, in the middle of a meeting with my French ad agency, when Achmed comes in and he's like, "come effendi! Allah be praised! The infidels are marching against the Satan Bush on the C-SPAN2!"
So I'm like, cool, gather up the boys and throw some Pop Secret in the microwave, this ought to be a morale booster. Allah knows we need one. Then everybody gathers around the TV, and they're all like ululating and shooting off the AKs, when C-SPAN2 breaks out of Booknotes for live coverage of the big insurgent offensive.
Holy. Fucking. Dung.
Have you every been at Friday prayers when somebody just totally rips a gigantic falafel gasbomb while the Imam is cursing the crusaders and Jews? That's what it was like around the TV -- total dead silence. And with every shot of another placard-waving elderly hippie moron, every pachouli drum circle, possibly even more silence. Then, when the speakers started up, so did the uncomfortable buzz.
"Where are their weapons, effendi?"
"Well, ya see, um, they are using their um, voices as weapons, um, against empire and occupation, and..."
"It seems they will need much training for the street battles, effendi. Many are appear weak or fat or old."
"Well, see, er, they are basically offering more of a, uh, moral support, and..."
"Will they be conducting martrydom operations soon?"
"Okay, well, not exactly, but..."
"But... are these what the virgins in paradise will look like, effendi?"...
And speaking of the invincible Zarqawi, you may spit out your coffee comparing Wretchard's latest casualty numbers to the venal crap the MSM is feeding you. He starts by looking at deaths:
Some of Portillo's facts are clearly inaccurate. He says, "the number of American casualties has been rising remorselessly" an indicator that progress was unachievable. The following are the casualty tables for equivalent months in 2004 and 2005. Granted, the tables only go to the 25th day of September, but the basic truth of Portillo's assertion of 'remorselessly rising' casualties is hard to sustain. The last three month's US casualties have actually appreciably dropped from an equivalent period last year and they have dropped in a period of offensive operations and in the run-up to the ratification of the Iraqi constitution, exactly when they would have been expected to rise.576 in '04 from Jan to Sep. versus 574 for the same period in '05 less a week. It's going to have to be one hell of a next week for Zarqawi to validate Portillo's thesis based on deaths. "Hard to sustain" is Wretchard's polite way of saying what translates into "venal crap" in any rational assessment vocabulary.
So what about if you count total casualties? After all, everyone KNOWS the neo-cons are hiding that from you! Weeeeell ... not looking too good in the propaganda department there either:
Counting the wounded as casualties means Portillo's assertion is not only unfounded, but the opposite of the truth. The reader will notice that the proportion of wounded to killed has changed from 9.3:1 in 2004 to 6.6:1 in 2005. This is consistent with the DOD briefings that there are fewer attacks, but since these may involve larger explosives in the case of IEDs, the attacks kill a larger proportion of the targeted vehicle's occupants. Still, the number of killed and wounded is 73% of last year's figures. In the last three months, the number has been 50% of the same period last year. This was quite an interesting result, considering news accounts that Iraq is 'descending into chaos' and that things are going 'from bad to worse'. Counting the wounded, the figures for September 2005 so far are lower than for any month in 2004 and 2005. Yet the mood conveyed in the press is that things are sliding into the abyss. That may be true for other reasons, but with US casualties at a quarter to a seventh of their historical values in a month full of offensives and important dates, the honest analyst must at least ask himself if something is changing on the battlefield.Whoops! Better get that analysis flushed down the MSMemory Hole ASAP.
Let's just get back to the invincible Syndicalist party line then: BusHitler has murdered 2000 or so of our fine young boys
Did I mention that from 1980-1999 there were over 32,912 military deaths? That's over 1,600 deaths a year -- or over twice the current death rate in Iraq. It turns out that having a military at all is just a dangerous thing no matter how you slice it. In fact, for the latest year I can find (1999) -- and with a post-Clinton force size probably about comparable to what we have now -- the death toll was 761! Almost exactly the same as the recent yearly death rate in Iraq!
So you're telling me that fighting a war against "limitless" legions of
WTF, over? (Yes, this blog does have a flexible acronym, doesn't it?) This is a buried lede of epic proportions. So much so that they refuse to even print it at all -- down the MSMemory Hole it goes... (Heeelllooo George, you still in there?)
Wouldn't want to add any sense of numeracy, proportion or perspective when we have an ax the size of Jupiter to grind, would we?
Please try to contain your surprise. Well, you would have been surprised if it wasn't so drearily predictable anyway...
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