The Top Ten Reasons to Vote for John Kerry

10. Finally we'll have a first lady with a World Wrestling Federation champion ranking and the mouth to match
9. The liberals will finally get to invade Pakistan and capture Osama due to the failure of Bush's diplomacy with Musharraf
8. SUVs would be considered owned by the Heinz-Kerry "family" therefore consuming no fuel and instantly halving world oil demand and prices
7. All troops in Iraq would be awarded three Purple Hearts forcing an immediate withdrawal -- thus making it much less costly to support our troops since they'd then get to fight Al Qaeda right at home in the U.S.
6. With Dan Rather as the new White House press secretary all statements could be known in advance to be fake -- but accurate
5. Saddam Hussein would quickly die of a brain aneurism from day-to-day confusion whether he would be restored to power or executed
4. No more secret negotiations in Paris with Osama -- he'd get his own embassy on Washington's newly renamed "Freedom Fighter" street
3. After the pullout, no more confusing assertions that fighting Al Qaeda in Iraq is a distraction from the war on Al Qaeda
2. All doctors would just write a check for their net worth directly to John Edwards thus drastically simplifying their tax returns
1. The French will finally stop pursuing only their own corrupt interests -- and immediately send all 600 of their troops to Iraq to restore Saddam's reign